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Thursday, July 6, 2017

The Choice

I woke up this morning, after another evening of stress/exhaustion/anxiety eating.  Yesterday evening, it was cold cereal--Rice Krispies, then Fruity Cheerios to be exact.  As usual, I talked to God about it before I got out of bed.  You know this kind of talk--the one in which you express regret for yesterday's poor choices, ask forgiveness, and then ask for the ability to get it right this day.

I pretty much have the same conversation with God every morning these days.  I've been struggling since March, losing and gaining the same five pounds.  I know...you know how that goes, too.  I could list the stressors that have presented themselves, but...really...it would just be same song, different verse from the years of losing, gaining, losing, gaining I've walked thru. 

I have to say, tho, that this surgery extravaganza with the Hubs has been rugged as far as eating goes. Ten hour days at the hospital, the stress of having to get rides to and from the hospital for us since Bill cannot drive for a few weeks and I cannot drive at all.  The hospital food, the anxiety of it all, and now with Bill home, his difficulty in submitting to the restrictions put on him by the Md.  (Truthfully, the only thing that has kept him from undoing the surgery via unwise activity is the pain he is in.)  At any rate, it's been a perfect storm for the food addict that I am.

But this morning, before I got out of bed, a thought crossed my mind.  The thought wasn't new in that I've always known I had a choice to not eat, to turn to God instead.  yeah.  got that.  But it was the specific choice of words...the words somehow captivated me.  The reminder that I have a choice was expressed this way:  "You can give yourself to addiction or to adoration."

Addiction or Adoration.

Last night, and the night before, and the night before that, I gave in to addiction.  I chose addiction.  Last evening, in particular, the choice was clear.  It had been a stressful day.  I had to walk down street to pay our sewage bill (Bill forgot to mail it prior to surgery and didn't tell me that until it was too late to mail it.), and Bill insisted on walking down with me.  Sigh.  Now it's only about a quarter mile or so each way, BUT the return home part involves walking up a steep hill to our house.  No way to avoid it.  (We live in the Appalachian foothills.)  And, of course, a quarter mile each way is a total of half a mile--much further than he has walked so far...here just 9 days post-op...and it was humid and nearly80 degrees at 10 AM when we left on our little trek.  It stressed me out!

And, then, our grandson came by to cut the grass.  That sounds like a good thing, doesn't it?  And it was, except that Bill isn't used to sitting around while someone does "his" work, so he was out there in the yard "helping" Josh.  Since Bill is not supposed to bend or twist or push/pull/lift more than 5 pounds, seeing him squatting in the yard and messing with weeds and trimmers as he directed Josh just freaked me out.  (By that time it was 85 degrees and humid, by the way.)

I did well eating all day, but after Josh left at 7pm,  I was hungry.  I'd fed Josh and bill, but Hadn't had dinner myself.   I didn't want the on plan food I had, I wanted ice cream.  Which I didn't have in the house and it was too hot to walk to the store and carry it back before it turned to soup.  Now, here's the ting:  I have chocolate flavored, healthy, protein shake powder that if I blend with ice gets as thick as a milk shake.  It's tastes good, has low carbs and 20 grams of protein.  That shake, which takes just minutes to make, crossed my mind.  Did I choose that?  Nope.  I convinced myself that a small bowl of Rice Krispies would be easier and satisfy my craving better.  It would be fine.

It wasn't.  No surprise there.

All of that to say this:  The choice was clearly before me.  Sweet, ice creamish on plan food vs addictive food.  I chose addiction.  I could have paused, praised God for bringing the shake to my mind and followed His gracious lead.  I cold have walked in adoration, but chose to fall into addiction.   And this morning the scale showed a 2 pound gain to accompany my regrets.

 Addiction or Adoration.  How do I want to live my life...to walk this walk?  I need to see this with a clear eye, to recognize that the path is really that black and white, that distinct for me.  (It may not be for you; it is for me.)  Addiction or adoration?

After I got out of bed, this was part of  my morning Bible reading:  Romans 6:2-14 (Used Bible Gateway for text below)

How shall we who died to sin still live in it? Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin.
 
Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again; death no longer is master over Him. 10 For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. 11 Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, 13 and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

And that's the weigh it goes,

Deb

4 comments:

  1. Hi. I understand your dilemma. I'm a coward. I chose to go into my shell and almost shut down on all fronts while we got through what seemed like he worst stuff. Problems never seem to cease. If it's not one thing it's another. I exist day to day, eating what is at hand, rarely making good choices yet always aware that the choice is mine but succumbing to the old ways that make me sick. Switching from addiction to adoration is a great slogan. Not much easier than eating right but a lot more freeing

    It's no longer knowledge but having the mental strength to do what's best. Now there's a prayer!

    I pray Bill is improving and his pain decreases day by day.

    Love from my side of the earth to you.

    Blessings Anne:)

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    1. Well, hi! I was just wondering about you. :)

      This part of your comment is exactly the case: "It's no longer knowledge but having the mental strength to do what's best."

      it may sound arrogant, but I really do know what I need to do. I know the best eating plan for me. Oh, I may learn some tweak here an there, but for the most part I know exactly what to do. It's the doing.

      Anne, the truth is that I am baffled as to why this is so hard right now...and why it was easy from January to March of this year. My "deciding and choosing" worked then, but not now. I feel adrift and don't know why.

      Let's pray for each other. :}

      Deb

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  2. Addiction or adoration ... wow, that's profound. I'll have to keep it in mind. I've lost close to 40 pounds since January, but I still have a long way to go, and it seems I'm stuck.

    Thanks for this post.

    Blessings~

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    1. And thanks for your comment! I'll be stopping by your blog.

      Deb

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